Monday, April 28, 2008

Not a Safe Haven

Do not be fooled by this innocent, pleasant looking man!!

For this man is the cause of much grief in today's society. This guy somehow manages to navigate his way through 4 lanes of speedy freeway traffic only to camp out in the car pool lane. He believes that going a solid 35 mph really gets the job done.

Sometimes I feel that the car pool lane has become a safe haven for elderly people to take advantage of youthful, energetic drivers. Let's take back the roads people! Down with senior citizens! (I am only kidding)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Cell Phone Guy


Okay, I am sure we all agree cell phones can be extremely annoying. The following are titles and a brief summary of situations and/or people that should have their cell phone rights taken away:

1) The Concert Cell - This gem is when the volume of the cell phone sounds like it is being blasted through a P.A. system at a rock concert. It is so loud, it startles the people standing nearby. Either the owner of the cell phone is hard of hearing, loves their ringtone, or wants to show everyone just how popular they are with each ring.

2)Shock and Awe - This person always seem extremely surprised when they receive a call. If seated, reactions may include kicking both legs out and leaning back so they can reach their large hands into their tight pockets to retrieve their phone. They may stand up abruptly and panic as they can't remember where their cell phone is. If standing, they may frisk/pat their entire body trying to figure out where the have placed their phone. Naturally, this type of person does not utilize the 'silent mode' on their phone compounding the problem.

3)Too Cool for School - The respectful individuals refuse to turn off their cell phone despite multiple calls during a business meeting, formal event, class, or commencement. No more explanation is necessary.

4)The Loud Talker - If you are this type of person a) you are oblivious to those around you, b) think that your conversation is so intriguing that everyone around you is dying to know what you are talking about. This person not only speaks loudly,but at moments appears to be yelling. Please note that I would not hesitate for one second to karate chop you in the neck.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Marching Band


Have you ever stopped to wonder why there is a mandatory 'Marching of the Band' during halftime at college football games? I mean, who decided the best way to keep people in their seats is to have about 50 people of all shapes as sizes play instruments while tip-toeing around the football field?

Here is my problem with the whole thing...first off, there is always that one guy who's mom made him play the flute his whole life that is now an active participant and enthusiast of the band. He has fulfilled his mother's dream and now is most likely on some sort of scholarship. Think about it people, you are paying for this guys education. So basically you have a row of female flutists, and one tall guy with a beard in the middle. Acceptable? I think not.

Secondly, what is with the delicate walk? Do they all have bunions? I have heard through reliable sources that the band practices how to walk over and over and over again at conventions and gatherings of band personnel. Probably where the tag line, 'One time at band camp' comes from. Unacceptable.

Finally, the feather hats? The polished white shoes? The sequin vests? The guy on the extremely large ladder leading the music? The over-weight sousaphone player (look it up). The dude with the staff and the super hero cape?

There is no reason for this unexplainable phenomenon other than one....I am thinking the whole band idea came from the people at the concession stands. Their plan is to make halftime so unbearable that everyone quickly jumps from their seats to run and stand in extremely long lines to order an over-priced, dry, nasty, hot dog. Maybe a small box of skittles for 6 bucks. I mean, marketing strategy at its finest right there.


(Strut your stuff buddy. Now is your time to shine!)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Door

Walking into work today I saw a young lady about ready to exit the building I was just about to enter.

Trying to be polite and courteous, I walked into the building and, still facing forward, reached back with my right arm to hold open the door so the lady could leave the building. When trying to keep the door open, I immediately noticed that I had walked too far into the building because my arm was becoming exceedingly strained by the weight of the closing door. My hand was positioned right next to the hinges of the door instead of by the door handle, thus making the door much more difficult to keep open.

As the door progressively began to shut, the weight of the door became much more intense. Quickly, this 'act of kindness' turned into a personal confrontation between me and the door. A battle of pride and will commenced. To make a long story longer, I bit my lip and dug down deep to keep the door open just long enough for the door to clip to lady's back foot as she exited. I quickly turned around to see what the outcome would be. Luckily, there was railing for her to latch on to before she fell to the ground.

As the glass door closed, it created a barricade of shame between my act of kindness and her embarrassment. Our eyes met...only briefly, but met nonetheless. Nothing I could say or do could comfort this lady and I was well aware of that. With no where to run or hide, I turned around and walked down the hallway towards my office to begin my 9 hour shift.